July 2, 2001

(There goes the hubby...)

We drove in to work today - my hubby and I.

That afternoon, during our commute back home, my hubby was in high spirits.  He was playing his music loud, singing along, etc.

I was quiet.  My mind was tumbling still over my hubby's reaction to that fucking letter.  I really needed to find out why he did that.  So I turned down the volume a little, and asked him.

"Why did you walk away from me like that yesterday after you read the letter?"

His exasperated response: " Aw honey, why do you have to bring that up now that I'm enjoying my music?!  We'll talk about that when we get home."

Fine.  We get home and I bring the question up to him again.

He gets cagey, "Well, why do you wanna know?"

I answer, "Because if I were to walk away from you while you were speaking to each other, you'd hate it.  Yet you did it to me yesterday, and I want to know why."

More evasiveness, "You wouldn't want to know what I'd think anyway. You'd get mad.  I don't want to get involved in this with you and your family.  I want to stay out of it."

I fight to keep the tears from coming. You see, what he doesn't understand is that by "staying out of it" he leaves me alone to fight the battle by myself again.  Once again, he's not supporting me.

My husband is very old-fashioned.  Because of that and his cultural background he strongly believes that you stick with your family, no matter what.  He disagrees with me being at odds with my family over the past.  "Just forget about it," he says.

Easier said than done, as we incest survivors all know.

I've always found myself fighting back against my family's abuses by myself.  I don't mind doing it -- it's just so damn painful and lonely.  No one's got my back.

My husband has continually urged me to reconcile and be with my family again.  I would rather swallow nails.

He's really bucking for Shithead of the Day award.